BEER TALK — NFL Fantasy Football Edition

BEER TALK is a recurring feature where two experts give commentary on the most pressing issues facing the world.  Mark (left) and Wyatt (right) will be asked to address 5 questions while having a beer.

If you have an idea for a topic that warrants its own edition of BEER TALK, tweet your suggestion to me @mattprivratsky with the hashtag #BEERTALK

(For this post Mark is ‘chillin at the international space station with summit brewing along for the ride’ and Wyatt is ‘Not drunk, but still kind of hung over from a fancy black tie event this weekend (not joking)’)

1) Who are you taking at the top of your fantasy draft?

MARK –  Adrian Peterson.  He has been working out in clubs all summer, and he is ready to ball.  Also, I picked Chris Johnson first last year, so I know my shiz.  Adrian Peterson is going to carry the Vikings to victory – a wild card playoff birth (victory is being used as a relative term)

WYATT – While I find club workouts to be good (beatin’ up the beat is hard work), he just doesn’t have the name recognition of Rodgers. No, not my main man Aaron Rodgers, I’m talking about Jacquizz Rodgers. Jacquizz the best name in the league, you say Jacquizz and everyone instantly knows you’re talking about the Falcons 3rd string running back.

2) Who is a sleeper pick for this fantasy season?

WYATT – On a more serious note (as opposed to my Jaquizz-a-thon) my legit sleeper is Coby Fleener. Sure, not a cool name, in fact, Coby Fleener sounds like a nerd name (he did go to Stanford). I think he was a character in Revenge of the Nerds II: Welcome to the Fleen. But in all honesty he’ll be playing with Luck, his college QB, that chemistry has got to count for something. The NFL is now a TE league filled with Stanford nerds.

MARK – My sleeper pick is literally to be determined by going to sleep and dreaming.  This is necessary because I don’t actually know anything about the NFL except what I know from Madden 2005.  By dreaming, I have the chance of a fantasy football premonition, which is usually the way I predict anything about sports. Right now my sleeper (before dreaming) is Dante Culpepper, so lets see if that changes.

3) What is your best advice for naming a fantasy football team?

WYATT – Boy tough question, I spent more time thinking about my team name than I did actually doing draft research. But all that work pays off, by having a clever name you can get into your opponents head well before kickoff. My best advice, topical and punny are always fail safe name strategies. Quick hitter for you: OhNo-Cinco, a topical pun about the Chad Johnson incident.

MARK – Its all about the comedy.  No one in their right mind would disagree.  OhNo-Cinco is a great name, although I’m not sure if wyatt heard it on the twitters or dreamt it up.  What I did is picked a name from the FX show “The League”, “the lady mccarthers”.  However, I use my team name to strike fear into the eyes and ears of my opponents later in the season, so you have to be flexible to strategic changes.

4) What player would you sign if you could draft anyone in the league?

WYATT – Draft to be my friend, hangout buddy, personal security, actual football player? I can answer all of these scenarios with one guy. Jared Allen. Ok yeah I’m a Packers fan but goshdarnit if Jared Allen isn’t the most bad ass dude in the NFL. Exhibit A: Did you ever see his episode of Cribs? His pad was killer. Exhibit B: He avoids giving props to Idaho State by saying he attended the Culinary Institute (Idaho State must not be happy about this but I find it hilarious). Exhibit C: His mullet, once glorious, is now absent, leading me to believe that he needs a buddy to encourage his party-in-the-back-itude to return.

MARK – Jared Allen would smell democrat all over me and send in the woods to be shot (by him).  Otherwise that would be a great idea. I’m going to give you 3 that would be my picks.  1) Peyton.  He is awesome, and I want him to be my quarterback for life, where we only play games against Eli Manning and crushing that dopey face.  2) Maurice Clarett.  He would always protect me off the field.  He has like 20 guns and 10 thugs with him at all times.  3) Tim Tebow.  I would never let him go to church again. I would do the ‘Tebow’ all the time but pretend to be a Hindu around him to see what happens.

5) What kind of rule change would you implement in the NFL?

MARK – This is such an easy question I almost feel trapped.  You have to bring in the scramble

Also, go ahead and make Jesse Ventura Commissioner, take away holding, and get nicknames on the back of the jersey.  If you don’t agree Wyatt, I’ll just respond with “He Hate Me”

WYATT – Agree with mark 100% think of what Jacquizz could have on his jersey. Here are just a few examples: “The quizzmaster”, “Quizzler”, “Jacuzzi”, “Pop Quizz”. That list could go on forever. Imagine a Gronk VS. Clay Matthews scramble in the Superbowl. I would pay any amount of money to see “the scramble” return, for even just one game.

If you have a topic that would make a great BEER TALK, tweet me your suggestion @mattprivratsky with the hashtag #BEERTALK

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One Response to BEER TALK — NFL Fantasy Football Edition

  1. aaronmfk says:

    This was really helpful. I’ve already named my team, so I unfortunately can’t follow your advice there, but I’m pretty happy with “Chokio Fascists” anyway.

    As for the actual draft, I will sacrifice everything Jared Allen because I think his mullet is the best defensive end playing today, and his combination of luscious beauty and hard, toned masculinity lends itself well to the kinds of slash-fic write-ups I’ll be doing after every game.

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